


Survivalist

by L_I_N_Z



Category: The Walking Dead
Genre: Age Difference, Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Older Man/Younger Woman, Original Character(s), Rick is a babe, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-10-30
Packaged: 2018-10-29 08:36:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10850346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/L_I_N_Z/pseuds/L_I_N_Z
Summary: You and Rick have been happily together for quite some time. Your world gets turned upside down when members of your group are viciously murdered and you are separated from Rick and the rest of your family.-spoilers-





	1. Chapter one

"So which one of you pricks is the leader?" Asked Negan.   
Your heart was pounding rapidly as you saw the events unfold in front of you. Rick grimes, the man you trusted more than anything was slowly breaking down in front of your eyes. You find it hard to kneel in front of this bastard. Your long hair fell in front of your eyes as you stared blankly at the asshole in front of you. It was hard to focus when all you could think of was Rick. You wanted him to be safe more than anything. You wanted your whole family to be safe. As Negan gave his speech you looked towards Rosita. She was your best friend. Your relationship developed right from the day you met her. You, Glenn, and Tara had been rescued by Abraham Rosita, and Eugene.   
"You don’t really think that you are going to get through this without being punished." Negan projected at Rick who was shaking.   
All you wanted to do was punch the asshole in the face for taunting your boyfriend like he was.   
Rick gulped and looked at you quietly.   
"I don’t want to kill you people, I want to make that clear from the get go. I want you to work for me. You can’t do that if you’re dead, now can you. But you killed my people, a whole damn lot of them, more than I am conformable with and for that you have got to pay. So now, I am going to beat the holy hell out of one of you "   
You let out a quiet sob when you saw Negan taunt maggie. After ordering Glenn to go back in line. You held your breath as he swaggered towards you.   
"Relax darlin."   
"It'll all be over in a minute, after one of you pays." You refused to look at the man who was swinging around his baseball bat like it was a prize.   
"Look at me doll." He said quietly.   
You kept you gaze to the floor. Negan bent down and pressed Lucille on your cheek. You shivered at the cold prick of the barbed wire. He pushed it up your chin causing you to lift your head up and stair straight into the devils eyes.   
"So which one of these men has the pleasure to be with someone as beautiful as you? I mean I see you don't have many options but surely someone has snatched you up. Ain't many hotties left in this world."  
"Stop it!" Rick yelled trying to defend you.   
Negan snickered releases Lucille from your chin, causing your head to fall.   
Negan walked towards Rick.   
"She's yours isn't she?"   
Rick didn't answer.   
"Yeah she is definitely your girl... I've gotta say Rick, I'm impressed. You scored!"   
"Stop it!" Rick yelled causing Negan to snarl.   
"Do not make me kill a beauty like this Rick! Do not make the world less sexy! I have got to pick somebody.  
I simply cannot decide. I got an idea."   
You gasped for air as he began walking around the semicircle of your family. Picking someone to die.   
"Eeny, meeny, miny, mo, catch a tiger by his toe, if he hollers, let him go, my mother told me to pick the very best one, and you are it."   
He placed Lucille on Abraham causing you to gasp.   
"Anybody moves, anybody says anything cut the boy’s other eye out and feed it to his father and then we’ll start. You can breathe, you can blink, you can cry, hell you are all going to be doing that."  
He forcefully slammed Lucille on Abraham's skull causing you to cry out in horror. Blood splattered on your face from the blow. After all of the hits Abraham was finally dead. You cried just imagining the pain he was feeling.   
"What? Was the joke that bad?"   
You looked over at your best friend, Rosita crying in pain. 

"Sweetheart Lay your eyes on this. Oh, damn. Were you - Were you together? That sucks."  
You close your eyes, all you wanted to do was hug her.   
"But if you were, you should know there was a reason for all this. Red - and hell, he was, is, and will ever be red. He just took one or six or seven for the team! So take a damn look." Rosita remained still. You felt rage. Rage for him provoking you. Hurting everyone in the group. Shooting Daryl. Damn everything.   
"Take a damn look!" The rage built up in your stomach and you jumped up in rage. Before anyone could stop you, you punch Negan straight across the jaw. Before you could throw another punch you were thrown onto the ground by several of Negan's men. You noticed Daryl's crossbow pointed right at you. You knew you were dead.   
"Should we kill her?" Asked one of the men.  
Negan smirked at you.   
"Kill her? Hell no Dwight.. we ain't monsters." He bent down and looked at you.   
"What do you think princess? You wanna come home with me?" You spat in his face, enraging him.   
"You see guys, that is a no no. I told you, the first one is free... you're all emotional. But I told you the second one that I would shut that shit down! So... back to it!" Negan swung the bat on Glenn's head. You screamed loudly in pain. It was all your fault.   
The next few hours were waiting for Rick to return from his trip with Negan. You hugged your knees and cried as you waited for them return. You knew that there was nothing that would ever make your family move on after everything that happened.   
Rick returned with absolute horror on his face. All you want is to reach him. All you want is go to him and try to help him. You wanted to talk to him, to comfort him. But instead you were stuck watching him be tortured by that animal. You were forced through tears to watch him almost cut off his sons arm. When it was over Negan told everyone  
"Welcome to the new world you sorry shits!" Negan walked towards you slowly.  
"Ready to come to your knew home tuts?"   
Before you could answer you were shoved into the back of a truck by a few men.   
"No!" Right yelled, trying to reach you  
"Please let me say goodbye." He was pushed to the ground by a savior.  
"I love you." You shouted to Rick. Your boyfriend began to answer but he didn't have the chance before the doors closed.   
The darkness filled the space and you couldn't see anything. As the vehicle started up you curled up, hugging your legs to your chest and started crying. Tears fell from your cheeks as you relived to horrors of the night. You didn't realize where you were going, but you that whatever shit happened it couldn't be worse than the horrors that occurred this night.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is the readers first day in the sanctuary. As the day unfolds the reader remembers her first few days with the Atlanta group and the first time she met Rick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay... so just to let you know the first person slang in case you're new... y/n means your name!   
> Also I am switching from present to past in the story, I won't be doing too much flashbacks but i want to focus on the most important parts of the reader and Ricks story especially since the reader is with the saviors and separated from Rick! I hope you guys are liking this story!

As the truck drove with you in the back of it you couldn't see anything. You began to relive your first moments with the group. 

\----

"Can I bump a smoke?" You asked Daryl. You had just found the group in the quarry and didn't mend to anyone. You had lost your whole family. Everyone in the group pitied you and treated you like a child, everyone except for Daryl.   
"You smoke?" Daryl laughed, rolling his eyes.   
You pressed your lips together  
"Sometimes." You shrugged off   
"Ain't you too young to smoke?" Daryl asked, hesitating.   
"What are you? My mom? Just give me a goddamn cigarette."  
Dixon grumbled and it handed to you. You took a small drag and exhaled the smoke.   
"what are you thinking about the group?" You asked him.   
"Dunno, why?" He asked.  
"I only just joined. People here don't seem like they can handle themselves. Don't understand the way the world works." You took another drag. Before Daryl could answer the two of you were interrupted by a noise coming from the woods. You grabbed the rainbow knife from your belt ready to stab a walker. Daryl also lifted up his crossbow, finger on the trigger. However the figure that came from the woods wasn't a walker.   
"God dammit ladys, relax." A familiar voice laughed.  
"Merle." Daryl sighed in relief.  
"Darlina, y/n... what are you two chit chattin about?" Merle smiled.   
"Askin Daryl what he thinks about this place." You answer.   
"Well... you don't like it here?"   
Laughed Merle.   
"Gotta few problems with it."   
"Really? Like what?"  
You look another drag, trying to plan your problems.  
"Not enough security... nobody seems to know what they're doin when they kill these things. Don't know how to feed themselves. And our so-called leader is always too busy fucking Lori to take care of the group." You answer.  
"Damn kid, you've got quite the mouth on you." Said Daryl.   
"I'm not a kid Daryl." You say, showing your strength.   
"No you ain't. And y/n I've got some news for you. Me and my baby brother are gonna find the right time. We're gonna rob this place dry and get the hell outta here. You in?"   
"I'm in."  
\---  
The truck stopped. It seemed to be about ten minutes before the doors opened, the bright sun filled in the darkness and made you feel blinded.  
"Come on out." Said the blond guy with blond hair. You think you remember his name being Dwight.  
You stepped you slowly, your eyes began to adjust to the sunlight.  
Dwight grabbed you by your wrists and but you in handcuffs. He began to walk you into the giant compound. 

\---  
"So how are we gonna do it?" You asked Daryl as you walked through the woods, stalking a deer.   
"Ain't that difficult y/n"   
"I just want to know-"  
"Listen, I ain't takin you if you keep asking me all this shit. Now shut up and hunt."  
The two of you continued walking through the woods. 

"Son of a bitch. That's my deer! Look at it. All gnawed on by this... Filthy, disease-bearing, motherless poxy bastard!"   
You jumped back as Daryl shouted violently. As Daryl complained about loosing the deer you locked eyes with someone new, someone you'd never seen before. He was in a white shirt, and his face was very pale, almost looking sick. He had curly brown hair and piercing blue eyes. Before you spoke you noticed that the decapitated walker had begun to make noises from its head.   
"Come on people, it's gotta be the brains... y'all know nothing?" Daryl snarled, shooting an arrow into the walkers scull. You followed him back to camp, breaking eye contact with the new man in the group. Daryl called for Merle and you slowed down, noticing everyone was staring at Daryl. Shane, who was walking behind you put his large hand on your back trying to stop you from moving any further.  
"Daryl, why don't you slow down? We need to talk."   
"About what?" Asked Daryl as he finally noticed the eyes on him.  
"About Merle... there was an accident in Atlanta."   
You stopped breathing for a second, preparing for the worst.  
"Is he dead?" Daryl asked   
"We're not sure." Shane answered.   
At this you began preparing yourself to have to run or fight. You knew that Daryl's temper could escalate quickly.  
"There's no easy way to say this so I just will." The newcomer said.   
He walked towards Daryl. He looked strong and confident.  
"Who are you?"   
"Rick grimes."   
"Rick grimes... there something you wanna say to me?"   
"Your brother was a danger to us all. So I handcuffed him to on a roof and hopped him on a piece of metal. He's still there" Rick said.   
You could see rage building inside of Daryl. You knew that you had to decide what to do in this situation.  
Daryl began pacing around.  
"Alright so let me process this... you're saying you handcuffed my brother to a roof and left him there?" Daryl asked in disbelief.  
"Yeah."   
Without warning Daryl threw the squirrels at Rick, he was instantly tackled by Shane.  
Knowing Daryl was your only friend in the group you instantly ran to protect him, trying to pull Shane away from him. Shane pulled back from Daryl, who got up with his knife drawn. Seeing that Shane was about to tackle Daryl you moved at him, trying to stop him. However the bigger man pulled against you and accidentally elbowed you in the jaw, causing you to let out a small scream and fall to the ground. You stood up as Daryl was going being pulled down by Shane in choke hold. When you went and tried to stop the older man you felt a tight grip on your wrists.   
It was the newcomer, Rick. He held onto you with full force, making sure you wouldn't escape from his grasp. You looked at him over your shoulder.   
"If I let you go will you try anything stupid?" He asked.   
You shook your head. The man paused before letting go of you. The man brought his hand steadily to your face.   
Being elbowed in the jaw hurt like hell, and you could already tell that there was bruising. You could also feel slight blood trickling from it.  
"you alright?" He asked  
You moved away from his hand, and walked away from the scene.  
"Never better."

\---

You were lead down grey hallways by Dwight. Both of you didn't say a word. You felt more alone than you ever had, even more alone than your first weeks in the quarry. Even more alone than when the prison fell. After what felt like a good five minutes of walking through the bleak hallways you arrived at a door. When it opened you were shocked. You expected many things... a cell, and chamber, a room with a walker in it, you don't expect a perfect bedroom.   
"This is where you'll be staying." Dwight said, pushing you inside.   
The room had a queen sized bed with white sheets. There was a bedside table with flowers on it and a bookcase full of huge novels. You noticed that there also was a kitchen area and even a television.   
"Seriously?" You asked him.  
"Yeah... I'm serious." Dwight answered.  
"Oh, Negan wants you to take a shower." Dwight gestured towards the bathroom, handing you a towel. "Go change out of these and then bring them out. By the time you finish your shower there'll be new clothes outside of the door.   
You nodded and went into the bathroom, freeing yourself of your black leggings. They had been on for far too long and we sticking on with sweat and blood. Next you unbutton your red and blue flannel which was coated in dirt. You also removed your underwear, feeling completely exposed you wrapped the towel around you and opened the bathroom door. Dwight took the clothing from you, and you shut the door again. You turned on the water and noticed how the warm water felt on your skin.   
There was strawberry hair shampoo and conditioner which you washed your long locks with. You noticed how good your scalp felt as you rubbed your fingers against it.   
When you finished cleaning yourself you exited the shower to find a small black dress waiting for you. There was also a pair of grey sweat pants and a black tank top you assumed this outfit was meant as pajamas, along with a pair of black lace underwear and a black bra. There was also a toothbrush, toothpaste, a hairbrush, lotion, face wash and moisturizer.   
You dressed yourself in the sweatpants and the tank and sat on the bed. 

\---

"I'm sorry about Merle." You said. It was you and Daryl's first moment alone after Merle disappeared.   
"I'm sorry you got punched in the face." Daryl said.  
"My fault." You smiled.  
You were sitting in the RV, headed to the CDC. You stayed back when Rick and Daryl went to find Merle. Not because of choice, but because Rick said that he didn't want you to. You didn't know what to think of Rick yet. You thought he was smart and that he wanted to do the right thing. You thought that he would be a good leader if he played his cards right. You smiled, thinking about the possible future of the group. You smiled at the thought of having a safe life at the CDC, growing older together. Everyone living. Everyone happy. 

\---

You were curled in a ball, clenching your knees to your chest. You laid on the bed, images flashing through your head. Images of Abraham. Images of Glenn.   
Tears rolled down your eyes. All you wanted more than anything in the world was to see Rick. To see Daryl, Rosita, and Maggie.   
You knew that you couldn't see your family anymore and it destroyed you. A sob escaped your mouth. You cried for Sasha who lost her boyfriend.   
You sobbed for maggie who had lost the father of her child.  
Without any warning the door swung open. You turned your head, expecting it to be Dwight. To your horror standing in the doorway was Negan. Panic rushed through your mind as you realized that the man you despised had walked in on you in a clearly vulnerable state.   
"Ah princess." The man said in a soft voice. He walked into the room, carrying a tray.   
"I'm sorry if I came in at a bad time but I thought you might want dinner... when's the last time you've eaten?" You didn't answer, just stared at him blankly.   
He set the tray down on the table in the kitchen area of your room.   
"I hope you like chicken."   
You didn't move from your position on the bed.  
"Come on princess... don't force me to drag you over here."   
You sighed and stood up, walking over to the table. Negan pulled out a chair for you to sit in, acting like a 'true gentleman.'   
You sat and looked at the plate. There was a piece of chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans, and a roll. A glass of red wine was also next to the plate. Negan instantly began to eat his meal. You just stared at it.   
"What?" He laughed  
"Think I poisoned it?"   
You don't answer. The man sighed and reached over to your plate, taking a bite of the potatoes.  
"That convince you?"   
As much as you didn't trust the man you could feel the emptiness in your stomach. You couldn't resist taking a big bite of chicken, savoring the taste in your mouth. Negan grinned at you, watching you cave.   
"You didn't wear the dress." Negan said.   
You nodded and continued to eat.  
"So princess... What am I gonna do with you?"  
You stuffed the roll in your mouth, the taste was almost too wonderful.   
"You know, you haven't said a single word to me?" Said Negan.   
"Damn you acted like I didn't exist... until I taunted your little friend with Lucille... damn, you did not like that one bit, did you?"   
You nodded your head no.   
"So princess... why do you think you're here?" Negan asked  
"Because you want to fuck me." You answer.   
Negan let out a genuine laugh, smiling widely.   
"What? Am I wrong?" You ask him.   
"Oh trust me princess there is nothing I would rather do than bend you onto this table and fuck your brains out like there was no tomorrow... but is that something you want?"   
You nodded you head no.  
"That's what I thought. You see, I'm not against many things but one thing I do not stand for is rape. Now I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that I was that kind of a guy but I promise you I am not!"  
"Then why am I here?"  
"You are here princess, because you are Ricks girlfriend... and Rick needs something to keep him from trying to do anything stupid."  
"Now princess... I get how tempting it is for you to want to escape and go back home to your little Rick and one eyed step son but I don't want to have to kill you! So I suggest that you stay put. Understand."  
"Yes." You answer, shaken.   
"Good. Now princess... I've got a big day today and It seems like you need some rest so I am going to say goodnight."  
Without saying anything else Negan stood up and marched out of the room. A little while after you finished your meal Dwight came into your room. He cleared the plates and the bottle of wine. Probably to make sure you don't kill yourself or others you think. He exited without saying a word and shut the door.   
Darkness surrounded you in the room as you began to fall asleep. Your dreams were filled with would could've happened, What should've happened.   
You and your family sitting together, eating Sunday dinner. You should've been happy. Now it was all over.


	3. Chapter three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like the flashbacks in this chapter! Tell me what you're thinking about this story!

You hugged your knees to your chest. You don't know how long you've been in negans compound. The windowless room made it nearly impossible to tell time. You were constantly trying to sleep. Whenever you closed your eyes flashes of horrors raced inside of your head. Dwight had payed you a few visits, delivering more cloths, underwear, soap, shampoo, and food. You laughed at how little they trusted you, only giving you plastic cups and paper plates, as if you thought you could take down the whole compound with one shard of glass. Or maybe it was because they thought that you would try to slit your wrists. Without warning the door unlocked and swung open. Negan barged in, his boots clanking on the floor.  
"Sweetheart, get dressed."   
"Why?" You ask, sitting up.  
"We're going to pay Rick a visit."

You say in the car with Negan, déjà vu flowing over. But this time instead of sitting in the back of a dark truck that began was driving you were next to him. You were wearing something that you guessed Negan picked out for you. It was a low cut black crop top and a pair of short Daisy Duke shorts. You felt almost like Rosita, except less confident in your appearance.   
"just laying down the ground rules Y/N... you don't speak to them unless I tell you, hell you don't look at them unless I tell you. Understand?"   
You nod your head and look out of the window. 

 

You looked around the CDC, you still couldn't decide if you trusted doctor Jenner or not. After Merle disappeared you went to Atlanta with Rick, T dog, and Glenn, and Daryl to find him. When you realized Merle was no longer there you felt extremely nervous about your future with the group. Neither you are Daryl had talked since about your plans to steal from the group during the night.  
You and Daryl hasn't really talked at all lately. You felt extremely isolated from everyone in the group. The CDC was extreemly intimidating to you. It felt so sterol and oddly haunting. When the doctor asked everyone to give their blood you felt terrified. You always hated getting blood drawn, thinking it would be easier to have a big gash than I needle piecing your skin. However, the price of blood for a place to stay and eat in was a good enough deal for you. After Andreas blood was drawn the doctor mentioned dinner. You smiled to yourself, as you hadn't eaten in days.   
Wine was poured and luscious amounts of food were piled onto your plate. You began to eat like there was no tomorrow. Even though certain people hesitated when you poured yourself a drink Shane rolled his eyes.  
"Girls gone through enough shit... I don't think that a glass of wine will make a difference.   
You smiled a little at Shane before gulping down the wine. After dinner doctor Jenner gave you a tour. You stuck to yourself, avoiding Shane's piercing gaze. For some reason the man had been looking at you all night.   
"If you shower don't use up the hot water."   
You felt a smile come to your lips as you imagined a steamy shower. You walked into a reck room slowly. The room was simple, with only a couch and a lamp. There were a few books in the room and an empty dresser. You walked to the back of the room, finding a simple bathroom. It was almost like a bathroom in a hospital. There was only a towel in it, a sink with a small mirror, a toilet, and small shower. You turn the nob of the shower and heard the sound of water. As you stepped in you could see layers of dirt wash off your body. You felt the tension in your body relax. For the first time in forever you felt safe.

You approached the gates to Alexandria. The warm welcome of the gates opening sent back memories of when you used to be happy here. However now it was far from a happy place.   
You set your eyes on Rosita as she opened the gate. Your friend was finally there, you could finally see her again. You drove in a little further and once the truck came far enough into the community it stopped.   
"Wait here." Negan told you. He unbuckled his seatbelt and ran out to greet everyone. You looked around, trying to spot Rick. It felt like hours before you laid eyes on him. You scanned and finally saw him. Your heart was beating quickly in your chest. It took everything out of you not to run out of the car and kiss him. You wanted him to see you more than anything. You wanted him to hold you more than you wanted life itself.   
"Hey Y/N" you heard Negan yell. You looked alert. You saw Negan walk up to the car and open the door for you. You exited and he put his long arm around you. The same arm was also holding Lucille which didn't bring you ease.   
The two of you walked towards your group. You made eye contact with Rick. He smiled at you and you smiled back. The connection of your eyes and the connection between your relationship was so vivid. It seemed like this was negans worst torture yet, because there was so much you wanted to tell Rick, but you couldn't speak a word.   
"Rick." Negan says.  
"Yes?" Rick asks  
"Would you be so kind as to hold Lucille for me? Take good care of her."   
Rick nodded and too lucile from negans grasp.   
"Y/N" Rick spoke quietly   
"No!" Negan yelled.   
"You do not speak to Y/N! She isn't your Rick! She is mine for now! And maybe some day you can talk to her but only when you do good!"  
You shot Rick a sad and pleading look as negans hand went from around you neck to down your back, hitting your ass slowly.   
When Negan asked about Maggie your eyes lit up. You needed to know she was okay. However, father Gabriel announced that maggie had passed away and your heart sank.   
"Woah Y/N... are you okay?" Negan asked  
You nearly fell to the ground, but negans grasp kept you standing. You let out a loud sob, tears flowing down your cheeks.  
"Oh damn Y/N... were you two close?"  
"Please Negan... I can help calm her down!" Rick pleaded  
"No!" Yelled Negan.   
You sobbed as you relived all the amazing moments you and maggie shared. You couldn't believe she died. Your heart ached for Rick... loosing Abe, Glenn, You, and Maggie on the same day.   
"Oh baby I'm so sorry" Negan whispered in your ear.  
"I didn't realize you two were close." He pulled you closer to his body  
"Get the fuck off of me!" You yelled, lashing out to punch Negan.   
He grabbed your hands by the wrists before you could punch him.   
"Stop it Y/N" Negan yelled at you.  
Tears leaked out of your eyes as you released the force and let him hold you by the wrist. You collapsed into his arms with gears streaming down your face.   
It felt extremely wrong to be hugged by Negan, especially since you were in front of Rick and everyone else you loved.   
"Shhhhh, doll. It's all gonna be okay."   
He was holding you tight to his body, so tight that you couldn't escape his grasp. Your face was buried in his chest, the smell of the leather jacket lingering.   
"You see Rick. I own your girl. I own her and there is nothing you can do about it."   
"Can I please talk to her?" Asked Rick, his southern draw echoing in your ears.  
"Nope." Negan answered.  
"Please negan... I'll do anything. I just. I just need to talk to her! I need to make sure that she is okay." Rick pleaded. All you wanted was to see his face, to kiss him... to be held by him.   
You were still being held tight by Negan.   
You were nervous and still sad but you managed to let out a soft word.  
"Please."   
Negan stepped away from you  
"What did you just say doll?"   
"Please... just give us five minutes... I'll do whatever you want! Please!" You yelled  
Negan stared straight at you. He had an angry smirk on his face.   
"You'll do anything?" He asked   
"Yes."   
"Would You kiss me?"   
You hesitated thinking of your options  
"Listen doll, I ain't asking you to fuck me I front of everyone. Just a kiss."   
You nod slowly  
"No! Y/N you don't have to do this."   
Rick said.  
You wiper tears from your eyes and looked up at the taller man. His hands moved to your hair, pushing it away from your face. His strong hands moved down your waist and pulled himself towards you. As your lips collided. It was a short peck on the lips but enough to please Negan.   
"Five minutes." He said, releasing you from his grasp. Without a word you ran to Rick, who held you tightly in his arms.  
"I love you so much." He said  
"I love you too."  
"Are you okay, are they hurting you?" He asked, scanning your body for wounds.  
"I'm fine Rick... really I'm fine."   
"I've missed you."

After your shower you began to walk around the CDC, exploring the corridors. You were hoping to find more boozes. You went into the kitchen area and opened a cabinet to find a bottle of vodka.   
"Jackpot." You said under your breath. You look the bottle and swigged it. Although you grimaced at the taste you enjoyed the burning sensation that promised drunkenness ahead.  
You look another swig of the alcohol, with every sip the taste bothered you less and less.   
You walked back to your room. In your past your drinking wasn't like it was today, but after you lost your family you indulged all the alcohol you could find. Once you reached your room you had already taken enough sips to be slightly dizzy. You collapsed on the sofa bed that your room was equipped with. You almost pitied yourself, laying in bed alone with only a bottle of vodka. You had no family, no friends, nobody in the group respected you at all. The only friend you thought you may have had was Daryl, and he hasn't talked to you since his brother disappeared. The isolation was excruciating. Sometimes you wished that you could just disappear. Sometimes you wished you could just die. You looked at your belt and saw the knife that was attached to it. You felt an urge to pick it up and slit your wrists. You picked up the blade and felt the cool metal on your hands. You began to cry as you realized how much of a coward you were. You survived and you wanted to take your own life. You throw the knife down and run away from your room. You still had the bottle of vodka in your hand, it was sloshing on the floor as you ran through the hallway. Tears dripping out of your eyes. You felt so stupid, like such a coward. You found a room in the CDC that seemed to have the privacy you needed. It was a library, similar to the rec room that Carl and Sophia were playing in. You sat on tje floor and leaned against one of the bookshelves for support. You buried your face in your knees, letting your long hair flow over your legs. You say there crying for a while, completely silent. Until the silence was broken  
"Y/N?"  
You looked up expecting to see Daryl coming to apologize for being an asshole, but when you looked up you were shocked to see Rick grimes.

You and Rick shared a passionate and burning kiss. He held your hands tightly.   
"Tell everyone that I love them please... tell Judith that I love her, and Carl... oh Rick, please tell Rosita that I miss her so much and that she needs to stay strong." You told Rick, knowing that the five minutes has gone by and you would be separating again.   
"Rick, please remember I love you. Please, please remember that I love you more than anything in this world... and I will fight for you." You gave him a kiss.  
"I love you Y/N... no matter how bad things get please don't give up." He held your hands in his.   
"Goodbye Rick."   
You say as Negan pulled you away.   
"Goodbye." Rick said   
Negan held you again, like you were his.   
"Sorry you kids couldn't get a private room but I didn't want Rick sharing information with you." Negan told you.  
"I'm fine... i just needed to see him." You answer.  
"You satisfied?"  
"Yeah."  
You waited in the car for the rest of the time as they ransacked the compound. You watched as Rick scrambled to find guns.  
When Negan got back into the car he handed you a bottle of water. You sipped on it slowly.   
"I saw your house."  
"It's not my house... i shared it." You say.   
"Yeah well... I saw your house that you shared."   
"See anything interesting?" You ask.  
"Standard shit." He answered, keeping driving.  
"I'm sorry about your friend" he said.   
"She wasn't my friend... she was my family."   
You began to feel confused, Negan was actually being kind and truthful. There was no condescending dickheadery behind his words.   
"But thanks for your condolences."  
You kept driving, your eyes looking out of the window... looking ahead.

"Hey... hey, what's wrong?" Rick asked, he was crouching down trying to reach your grasp.   
"I'm just such a mess." You say between sobs.  
"Don't say that." Rick said in a hushed voice. You lifted your head up from your knees and looked at him. He stared at you like he actually cared about you and how you were feeling.   
"Why So you feel this way?"  
"Seriously?" You ask. He knew by now the story of the death of your entire family.  
"Fair enough.... but why are you telling this way now"  
"I don't know. I guess it's because this is the first time I've been able to think instead of just survive." You confess. You reach down to take another sip of the vodka.  
"We need you to be okay Y/N. we all care about you." He said, putting his hand on your knee.  
"Really? Because I literally have never felt more alone in my life. I've never been more scared... more depressed... more isolated. Nobody here who knows shit about me!"   
"Alright, then tell me about you"  
The conversation you and Rick had that night was amazing. You talked about your childhood, school, family. You shared so many things with him. He also shared his own stories like crazy high school stories with Shane, or the story of his first time getting drunk.   
By the end of the night you realized that for the first time in forever you had a true friend.  
"Sometimes I feel like I'm just this star in a dark sky... completely isolated and alone."   
He was taking a sip of vodka but still listened to you in a content way.  
"I don't have any family. I don't have any friends. Im alone and broken... im terrified." You confessed.  
"Y/N... you know I care about you, right?" His speech was slightly slurred from the vodka you had passed around  
"Yeah."   
Your heart warmed as he pulled you in for a hug. It was the first human contact you had revived in a long time.   
"Thank you." You slurred.  
The warmth of his body felt so perfect pressed on you. Your head fit in the crook of his neck, you exhaled at the perfect moment. You kept hugging him, his face was now buried in your shoulder.  
Your arms lifted up to touch his hair. You were nervous that your contact would be rejected but he kept holding you.  
Your hands found their way through his curly hair.   
"I care about you Rick."  
You suddenly felt a romantic sensation in your stomach. You knew part of it was the alcohol but there was suddenly a burning desire to kiss Rick. The man had come in and gave your life a new meaning.   
Before you could make a move he pulled out of the hug.   
"I'm gonna say goodnight Y/N."  
Rick said.   
You watched as he stood up and walked out of the library.

This one instead of being blindfolded and dragged into your room you were walked to it by Negan.  
"You okay?" He asked   
"In fine."   
"I'm sorry about maggie."   
"Thank you for letting me see Rick."  
You say to Negan.  
"It's fine."  
"No really... thank you"  
Negan looked at your eyes.   
"You know doll, you've really done a number on me."  
You smiled at him.   
"Goodnight." Negan opened the door of your room.   
You went in the room and closed the door. You collapsed in the bed, you felt hope because you knew that Rick was safe, and Rick loved you.


	4. Chapter four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please vote for this chapter!   
> Because your character is in isolation I was wondering what you guys would think about having a chapter of ricks POV with the situation?   
> Let me know in the comments!

You looked in the mirror as you brushed your long hair. It hadn't been cut since the world went to shit, the long locks exceeding down your scalp. You used a hair tie that Negan gave you to place your hair in a braid. The only good things about the sanctuary was the showers and the food. You felt so much cleaner than you had in years. You slipped on a pair of black distressed skinny jeans that Dwight delivered, a flown blue tank top, and lastly grey converse shoes. Dwight gave you new cloths every few days along with needed toiletries and food. After you dressed yourself you headed to the small table you ate at. Food hadn't been delivered to you yet so you poured yourself a cup of water. Things had been pretty normal in the sanctuary since you went to Alexandria. You hadn't seen Negan since the excursion... something you were happy about. Although the sanctuary and this situation was far from comfortable you felt less terrified and miserable these past few days. You jumped as there was a sharp knock on the door. You looked over to see Dwight carrying in a tray. He handed you a plate of chocolate pancakes, fruit, bacon, and coffee. They still didn't trust you with anything that could potentially be a weapon, meaning you were given a plastic spoon to eat with. He smiled and left you without saying another word.

You stayed absolutely silent as you hid under a car from the large group of walkers. You were under a car next to Shane and Glenn. You grasped your knife tight ready to attack when necessary. Everything seemed to be going pretty well and you almost believed that everyone was going to survive. The whole group passed your truck and you exhaled in relief. You exchanged a smile with Glenn and as you turned to Shane you heard a loud sheik. It was Sophia, being chased by walkers. You moved quickly, attempting to rescue her. Before you could move out of the car Shane grabbed your small waist. You tried to complain but before you could his large hand covered your mouth. You looked at him and he nodded at you. You sighed and relaxed in his grip. He let go of your mouth, but kept a firm grip on your waist.   
"Don't get us all killed" he whispered in your ear.   
You nodded in agreement and he released himself from your waist. 

You stared at the ceiling. You were bored out of your mind. You felt so pointless and lonely. You miss Rick.   
You missed his smell, his voice, the way he kissed you, the way he touched you, the way he fucked you.   
You and ricks sex life was amazing. It wasn't the only part of your relationship, and it wasn't the reason you were together... but the sex was a big plus of the relationship. He was the best person you'd ever slept with, and he was extremely sweet. In the bedroom he was the perfect balance of sexy and kind. God, you missed him. You missed kissing him. You missed the happy feeling when you were around him. Even in the worst situations, being near Rick made you happier. You wondered what he was doing right now. Knowing him he was probably plotting against Negan, or trying to find a way to save you.  
You hated being a damsel in destress. You didn't want him to think he needed to rescue you. You hoped he was alright. You hoped he didn't blame himself for Abraham and Glenn's death. It made you sick to imagine how distraught he must be.  
You laid in the bed in silence, thinking about how you got here.

You, Carl, Shane, and Rick kept looking for Sophia.   
You volunteered yourself knowing that you were strong enough to handle your own shit.   
"We'll find her." You told Carl.   
The boy looked up at you with a small smile on his face.  
"I know."   
The four of you kept walking, you found yourselves deeper in the woods and you stoped for a small sip of water. Shane stayed behind with you, letting Carl and Rick walk ahead.   
"You know Y/N, you have some balls." Shane smirked at you.  
"Why do you say that?" You ask  
"You almost sacrificed yourself for sophia... you handled your shit at the CDC... handled your shit by staying alive."   
You looked up and him, taking another swig from your cantine.   
"Again, Why are you saying this?"  
"I'm thinking of skipping town... after we find sophia. You in?"   
You furrow your eyebrows  
"Why are You asking me?"  
"Like I said... you can handle your shit, it'd be nice to have someone watching my back... what do you think?"   
The question did explain why Shane was being such an ass to Carl earlier, and his overall moodiness lately. You still felt confused about why he asked you.   
Before you could answer Carl shouted   
"Guys hurry up!" At you and Shane.   
You looked towards the young boy.  
"Coming!" You yelled.   
You began to walk back and looked at Shane who was patiently waiting your answer.  
"Sure."  
"Really?"  
"Ain't like there's anything keeping me here."

You ran your fingers through your hair. You kept wondering why you were brought to the compound. Why you were the person who was taken from the group.   
You wished you could've been there. You wished you could've helped.   
You sighed and twisted your hair around your finger. You felt completely isolated, Dwight was the only person you'd seen in so long. Just then you heard the door unlock. When you turned around you expected to see Dwight carrying a tray of food but Instead you looked to see Negan.  
You gasped as you looked at the man. He was in a white shirt and grey jeans.  
"Hey doll." He smiled at you. He had a wide grin, flashing you his teeth. He was carrying a bottle of tequila and two shot glasses.  
"Mind if I join you?" He asked.   
You nodded and watched him shut the door. It slammed loudly. You looked him up and down and he strutted over to the bed. He was obviously extremely comfortable in your room. He sat beside you on your large bed. The two of you sat on the bed with your back to the wall.   
"I realized that we should talk a little." He explained   
"We drinkin that?" You ask, motioning to the tequila.   
"Hell yeah." He answered.   
You smiled, grabbing the shot glass from him and holding them so he could pour the alcohol into them. He placed the bottle in between his thighs before you handed him the small glass.  
"cheers" Negan snickered.  
You both downed the shot, you slightly grimaced at the burning sensation.   
"Hot damn!" Negan cried  
You laughed slightly at his reaction   
"Okay... so why haven't you visited me lately?" You asked as he poured the second shot.  
"I'm a busy ass man." He answered, downing another shot  
"Wives to fuck, Ricks to chance around, dumbasses to keep in line... I don't have all day to visit your pretty ass."   
You took another shot, this one burned slightly less  
"Why? Did you miss me?"   
You roll your eyes at him.   
"It's just boring as fuck."  
Negan smiled, almost licking his lips as he did so.   
"Thanks for kissing me." He said  
"I didn't have any other choice... I needed to see Rick." You answered in a deadpan matter.  
"still, it was nice"  
You started to feel nervous about what his intentions were with you... did he have more planned tonight than just talking?   
You scotched slightly further away from him on the bed, trying not to be too obvious of your hesitation.  
"Ah don't worry... I don't have any intentions with you." Negan told you, noticing your change in attitude.  
"It's all for Rick, I don't believe in rape and I sure as hell don't think you'd want to fuck me considering what I did to your friends." He added.  
"What do you mean it's all for Rick?" You ask  
"You know Y/N? I really think that Rick still thinks somehow he can beat me... so I need him to understand who I am." 

Bang! The gunshot echoed through your ears. Everything suddenly went slow, Carl fell to the group as Rick went to Carl side Shane pulled his gun at the confused man.   
You also ran to Carl, trying to help Rick cover his child's wound as best as he could.  
"We need to take him to Hershel."

You ran into the white country home quickly. Rick had gone slightly ahead of you, Shane, and Otis. You reached the porch and saw Rick staggering out of the door. He rubbed his forehead, spreading red blood over it. He looked so much weaker than you'd ever seen him. Dears formed in his eyes. Shane went to his partners side and wiped the blood off of his forehead. It seemed like an almost intimate moment that. You and Otis were crashing. You tried to deliver a weak smile at Rick before walking into the home.   
They needed you and Shane to hold down Carl as Rick gave his blood. The agonizing screams from the young child echoed in your ears.   
"Your killing him!" Rick yelled at Hershel.  
"Just do it!" You shouted at Rick over the screams. You knew that the only chance for the child was to have Ricks blood. Before you could blink the child stoped screaming and fighting against your grasp.   
You exited the room to see a tall brunette girl who you assumed was one of Hershel's daughters, and Otis. You sat in a chair next to the brunette.   
"I'm maggie." She said  
"hey, I'm Y/N" you weakly responded. You ran your fingers through your hair, trying to come to realization of the events that just took place. You felt slightly depersonalized and useless. You really didn't know what to do.

Negans conversation with you left you in shock. You evaluated every word he said, focusing on the fact that he was using you to manipulate Rick.   
You wished you could warn Rick about what Negan was doing. You hated your life in the saviors compound. You hated how alone you were, and you hated how Negan was trying to be your friend. What you hated more was how you almost liked Negan. You felt absolute shame in the fact that you had fun when he was around you. It made you disgusted when you thought anything about the man who killed your friends other than hatred. He wrapped you around his finger, and you let him.


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oops sorry it’s been so long! I love this fic and I promise to update more regularly

You woke up with the sounds of gunshots echoing through your ears. You jumped out of the bed and ran to the door. The lack of a window was incredibly annoying in this situation.   
Once you ran to the door the shots stoped. You put your ear close to the door, trying to hear what was going on. You heard nothing but silence. You began to wonder if you were just imagining things. After a few minutes of silence sat near the door and leaned on if. You nervously placed your head in you hands and sighed

Hershel told everyone that Carl desperately needed medicine Shane immediately volunteered to go find the medical supplies. Odis also said he would go to help Shane.  
"Hey y/n, talk to me for a second"   
He pulled you to the porch  
"I'm going with you guys." You say  
"No way." He answered.   
You stared at him angrily, offended by him.  
"You need to stay here with Rick" he explained.  
"Maggie's getting lori but until she gets here you need to be there for him."  
You looked at the older man, unsure of him.  
"Please. For me."  
You nodded reluctantly and watched as they quickly drove away. 

There was a loud knock on the door you were leaning against.   
"Ya decent?" Negan clearly asked. You stood up slowly and backed away from the door. Negan had never knocked at your door or cared about how you felt.   
"Uh, yeah." You answered. You were wearing a black tank top and a pair of small sleeping shorts.   
"Good. Because I've got a special present for you."

You walked into the living room that Rick was in. Carl was in a room just near the living room, getting taken care of by Hershel. Rick had just given blood for the third time, he was extremely pale and he looked awful. He was covered in sweat with dark circles under his blue eyes. You hesitate to move towards him, reluctant to express your feelings. You but your hand on his shoulder and handed him a glass of water. He thanked you quietly and you sat next to him.  
"Rick..." you started, unsure what to say next.  
"Don't." The man said.  
"I'm so done with these apologies y/n... I just need time." 

The door swung open. You had no idea what was going to be on the other end of the door.  
Your eyes widened as you saw Negan standing in the doorway, and next to him... Carl Grimes.

You and Rick sat across from each other in silence. He had just given more blood to Carl and was looking increasingly worse by the second.   
You looked at Rick, trying to think of what to say. You're lips pursed together before you nervously, yet gracefully spoke.  
"I lost my family."  
Rick looked up to you, not understanding where you were going with your words.  
"And when I lost them I thought that my life was over... but then I found you." You slightly smiled  
"I found you, Daryl... Merle. Carl, Lori..."   
"I know how you're feeling. But you need to know it isn't over. And you should feel so lucky."  
"And why is that?" Rick asked bitterly.  
"You have people. You have Lori and Shane..." you hesitated  
"And me."   
Rick looked into your eyes for the first time all day. The two of you instantly shared a deep and intimate connection. Your heart felt like it was burning. You knew what you felt was wrong, but you couldn't help it. And you knew that Rick couldn't deny he felt something as well. He broke the connection, placing his eyes to the floor  
"Thanks Y/N" he said, you smile and place your mouth, smiling seemed to be very unusual to you nowadays.

"Carl?" You asked, going towards him.   
"Guess what this little asshole has done?" Negan asked, pushing Carl inside your room. The two of you lock eyes, you slowly stand to see the teenager.   
“Carl. What the hell are you doing here?”  
Negan let out a chuckle  
“You’re boyfriends son decided to unload a half a dozen bullets into some of my men.”   
You had a slow sense of pride of hearing what Carl had done. You try to hide the clear smile coming across your face.   
“Be as smug as you want sweetheart... but this shithole caused a lot of problems around here.” He slowly slaughtered towards you  
“So while I decide what to do with him, I figured I’d take him tour.”  
You bite your upper lip, trying to make sense of the situation.  
“You alright Carl?” You ask softly.   
“Don’t talk to him.” Negan warns you.   
You roll your eyes, in extreme annoyance.  
“Or what?”   
You pause as Negans eyes narrow  
“What the fuck are you gonna do?”

Lori ran to Rick, holding her husband tightly. You watch the two of them from the porch, leaning against the white home. Your hands are holding a cigarette which you have barely smoked, too busy watching the husband and wife reunite before rushing in to see their son. As they walked up the stairs Lori gave you the smallest of nods, before entering the home.   
Then Maggie walked towards you, her cowboy boots clicking loudly against the wooden porch.   
“Can I bump a cigarette?” She asked you.   
You nod, opening up your pack and handing her one.   
“Thanks for going and getting her.” You say.   
Maggie takes a draw from the cigarette, exhaling softly.   
“Of corse...”   
She hesitates   
“How was Rick holding up?”   
You let out a soft laugh  
“About as well as you can imagine.”  
The young woman looked at you, a sad expression growing on her face.  
“I could never imagine something like that happening to someone I love.”

Negan grew angry. His lips pressed together in anger as he looked at you, eyes cold yet burning with anger.   
As he still doesn’t answer you ask him again.  
“What; The fuck are you going to do!”   
Silence.   
You laugh, teasing the man seemed so enjoyable to you despite how dangerous it was.   
“You’re full of shit. You know that?”   
The mans anger began to boil up, and although you knew you shouldn’t, you felt a need to continue tormenting him.  
“You’re an asshole. You’re full of shit. If I want to speak to Carl, I’ll speak to him.” You then turn towards the boy, who is gazing at you in disbelief.  
“Tell your dad that this asshole isn’t going to stop me from lovin him.”  
Negan barges towards you  
“Shut the fuck up!” He yells, his temper imploding.  
“Tell him that I love him and I’m coming back for him!” You yell at Carl, instantly Negan rushes out of the room, taking young Carl with him.  
After they are gone you smirk, although it was a tiny victory... you really felt as if you just won a battle.


End file.
